Twisting Fate Page 9

  I can sense her presence behind me, but she gives me space and for that I'm thankful. I continue forward until I get to the shoreline and stop. Instantly, I'm taken back to that night my parents told me we were moving; the same night he kissed me for the first time. I close my eyes as the water washes ashore and crashes against my bare ankles. The only difference is that it's bright when I'd prefer the night. A light breeze picks up and my hair flutters in the wind like the wings of a butterfly.

  "Talk to me. I need to hear you, Brey," I whisper pleadingly into the air that swirls around me. The times that I don't feel him at all are the hardest times. I'm scared of what will happen when I stop feeling him for good. I stand and wait, hoping I will hear him, see him, or sense him, but I get nothing. Occasionally, I let the pain take over my body, because it reminds me that he was real. Right now would be one of those times that I welcome the pain.

  I allow all of my senses to take over, but two: my sight and taste. Keeping my eyes closed I concentrate on the other three senses. I hear the waves roll in against the sand and the seagulls flying overhead, taking me to a tranquil place. The crisp and clean air buries itself into the depths of my nose and I recognize the smell of the salty seawater. I can feel the cold water each time it washes ashore and covers my feet, causing chills to form all over my body. The air forms a blanket around me as it whirls in the atmosphere, keeping the temperature from feeling as warm as it looks to the naked eye underneath the bright sun gracing us with its presence. These senses I am able to enjoy.

  The two that will never be the same are sight and taste, because it requires him to be present to activate memories related to him. I want to be able to see his beautiful body and look into his penetrating blue eyes that have a power over me no one else has. I want to be able to taste his lips and his tongue as it connects with mine, wreaking havoc on my heart and mind. He is the one addiction I will never be able to fight no matter how hard I try. I will always crave him no matter how much time goes by or how much help I get to break it. The memory of the high I was on when I was near him will keep me looking for the fix.

  The salty moisture that is known as my tears runs into the crevice of my mouth and the similarity of his sweat in the times I kissed him, after he played a game, is what comes to memory. It's not the same, because nothing ever will be, but it's enough to allow me a flashback to a point in my life that was good.

  He's never coming back, Kinzleigh. Say it. You need to come to terms with it before the darkness takes over and you can't find the light. I can say it to myself time and time again, but accepting it never occurs.

  The beach is a peaceful place and even though that will always be, it holds a deeper meaning for me. Had I not met Breyson that day I'd be a cynical, immature, little girl right now. Breyson was my saving grace; my reality check to the broad world around me instead of the bubble I was living in. I know now, that every girl needs a dose of love sprinkled upon her, because it has the power to heal the most tormented and tarnished souls. I just wish I could have saved him the way he saved me. To pursue your greatest dreams and goals is only meaningful if you have someone by your side to enjoy them with.

  I back up and sit on the dry sand and try to enjoy the serenity that surrounds me. Natalie finally takes a seat beside me and we stare out at the choppy ocean as the waves roll in. For once, I allow myself to think of the bigger picture, which is something I've never done. Pondering my future hasn’t been a thought at all since he’s been gone. I haven’t considered what path I’ll take now that I won’t be traveling it with Breyson.

  My biggest dream was always to be an NFL cheerleader. I know they don't make a high salary, but that's not why I wanted to be one. That didn't matter to me, because I knew I would go to college and get an education to pay the bills. I wanted to be an NFL cheerleader, because cheerleading is something that I enjoy and it was a way to travel to different places. My plan was that I could do it on the side, because cheerleading is what I love and just because I graduate doesn't mean I have to give it up. You go after a dream to do something that makes you happy, not because it's going to make you rich.

  NFL football players are mostly guys that got there because football is what they loved. Generally speaking, you don't get into a profession like that, because it's a high paying job. With a profession like that you have to devote years to practice, games, and schedules. To endure all of those things for most of your life there has to be a passion that motivates you. Going into something to get rich takes away your perspective and you aren't as successful in the skill it takes to stay in it.

  Some people laugh when they ask me what I want to pursue a career in and my response is an NFL cheerleader. What I never added was that I would do that on the side to whatever I went to college for. I just don't know what that something is yet, so why explain all that to a bystander that really doesn't care? I have a common goal and the rest will fall into place. I'm not an idiot. I know you have to have a realistic dream to be able to support yourself.

  It doesn't matter anyways. I'll have to give up that dream. You can't travel from city to city being a single parent. My only option is to amend my dream. In the beginning I wanted to start my own cheerleading company when I was too old to be an NFL cheerleader. I wanted to teach girls of all ages. I wanted to coach and instruct competition squads. I can still have that if I set my mind to it. My dad is an entrepreneur and a successful one, so I have the necessary tools to learn. I just need to get a business degree if I want to be a business owner and have my own company, so I have other options until I can obtain my dream. My parents always taught me that where there was a will for something there was a way to achieve it; it just may take a little longer now that I will have someone else to care for.

  I guess I will have to stay close to my parents for college, so I have the necessary support I need to go to school with a baby. It's going to be hard but, it's my only option, the only one I’m giving myself. I will not give up the only piece of Breyson I have left. No matter how many times the thought crosses my mind I won’t take the easy way out.

  Breyson and I were going to go off to a university together, but I can't go off to another state for school when I'm going to have to have childcare and a place to stay. I refuse to add more for my parents to pay than myself. I won't be one of those teenage girls that get pregnant and live off of their parents. I got myself into this mess and I will support this child one way or another. If I have to get a part time job to do so then so be it. Now they have online classes and night classes if I don’t have the day option.

  I didn't realize I was so lost in my thoughts until Natalie bumps my shoulder with hers. "You want to talk about it? I'm a good listener. I promise not to judge."

  I don't understand her at all. Maybe, because generally I like people until they've done something to give me a reason not to like them and not the other way around. "Why are you suddenly being so nice to me?"

  She drops her shoulders and holds her head in shame as she sifts the sand through her fingers. "Kinzleigh, the person you witnessed isn't who I am. I will forever be ashamed of what I did to you. I’m not a mean person. I’ve never been cruel to others. I let jealousy, rage and panic take over and blindside me. If I’m being honest with myself, dating Breyson ruined me. When we were just friends that person you met would have never existed.”

  She keeps her eyes on the sand in her hand. “I just to be one of the guys, kind of. I went everywhere with them, especially Breyson. I told myself I wouldn’t let myself fall for him, because it would ruin everything we had together, but I did. Somewhere along the way I let him consume every part of me. In such a short amount of time I was losing myself. I started to get needy and bitchy when he would hang out with other girls. I called him more frequently to hang out. I noticed he was starting to back off a little and I thought I was losing him, so I decided to seduce him. I knew that he was protective over me getting hurt and my reputation with guys, so I did the one thing that I knew would make
him mine.”

  As hard as it is for me to hear this, I want more. I want to know that someone else was emotionally affected by Breyson the way I was, and that I’m not just crazy to feel this way. Situations may be different, but love is still the same. “One night at a party I slipped the same thing I put in your drink in his beer. A lot of people were doing it for fun. They always ragged about how all you thought about was sex when you were high on it. My plan worked. We slept together that night and I pretended to be upset the next morning. We had been best friends for three years. I knew he would give me anything to not see me hurt, so I asked him for exclusivity. He agreed to only sleep with me as long as nothing changed emotionally. That’s the only reason I slipped that drug in your drink. It didn’t hurt Breyson or people at my school, so I never imagined it would hurt you.”

  She looks up at me with so much regret in her eyes you can’t mistake it. “Please don’t judge me. I loved him, Kinzleigh, but I was also an immature seventeen year old that didn't realize to be in love, the other person has to love you back or it means nothing. I guess you grow up a lot from junior to senior year, because you have to get ready to go out into the real world. I can't just make myself stop loving him, but one day I'll find someone that loves me back and it will replace the feelings I have for him. I'm really trying, though, to move on. I want us to be friends."

  I guess I'm not the one with the issues related to Breyson now. He did have a tendency to hook people from the very beginning. I know I should lay our differences aside, but it makes it a little hard to trust someone when they have been so cruel in the past. Maybe letting go is something I need to practice, starting with her. "Okay," I say and turn back to look out at the water. You can spot boats at a distance that look like small specs.

  The two of us sit here in silence just enjoying the comfort of one another. I'm not sure how long we've been sitting here, crying in quiet together, but it's nice. It always seems easier to cry in the presence of someone else than to cry alone. It feels like some of the pain is taken from you and balanced between the two beings; like an empath. "What's it like?"

  I'm pulled out of my thoughts at the sound of her voice. "What's what like?"

  She pulls in her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. "For someone that you love to love you back? Is love overrated and exaggerated or is there the possibility that it's really like the romance you read about in books?"

  I wasn't expecting her to get deep. Honestly, I'm not even sure what to say. I've never been much of a philosophical type person. How do you answer that question? I kind of realize how Adalynn felt that day I asked her a question very similar to this one before homecoming; also the day I realized I was completely head over heels in love with Breyson. How time flies when you're in love.

  I ponder for a moment on the question hanging out there, before I respond. "Natalie, I'm not sure how it feels to be in your shoes and I'm sorry. I don't like hearing that another woman is in love with the same person I am, but at the same time I can't imagine how that must feel. I guess I was fortunate that when I fell in love, that love was returned full force. I am not even sure how to explain it, but if you are one of the lucky few to actually find the person you're meant to be with, it's better than books and fairy tales, because you actually get to live it instead of read about it. I realize now, how blessed I really was to find it and to not have to settle with a stand in. I hope you are able to find it one day too, I really do."

  She nods and we continue to bask in the silence as if that's the only thing she needed to move on, a vital piece of information that is the key to happiness. I never thought of it this way, but maybe we can learn to move on from Breyson together, but who knows what the future has in store. I don’t bet on happy endings anymore.

  Breyson’s a pretty hard person to move on from, but if this baby is going to have a chance at a happy life then I have to try. I've always been told things are easier in pairs and friends are the backbone of a person. It's worth giving a shot. I'm at rock bottom, so there’s nowhere left to fall. As I discover this, I begin to feel a little peace for the first time since Breyson left. The pain will never disappear and I’ve come to terms with that, I think, but if I can get it to subside enough to live a functional life for someone that didn't ask to be brought into this world, that's all I can hope for.

  As if I flipped a switch and shut down some of the stress and depression I've been enduring, I feel hungry for the first time since I got pregnant. I wipe at my puffy, wet face to rid of the tears and decide today that I need to start trying to move on. As awkward as it is, I grab her hand in mine. "I think maybe we can do this together, Natalie. In a way we are going through the same thing. It takes one going through the same kind of pain to understand and help the other. The only difference is you'll find love again one day, because you haven't met your one yet. That isn't possible for me, because he was the person I was meant to be with, but that doesn't mean you don't hurt over his loss until you find your soul mate. You did lose a best friend, after all. What do you say; we stick together?"

  She looks down at our linked hands, before her line of vision settles back on my face. She swipes the tear she allows to fall with her opposite hand and nods her head. Before I can even process what’s happening she grabs me into a hug. "Thank you for giving me another chance. You won't regret it." It's amazing to me that when you open your eyes to the world around you, you see things that you've been blind to the entire time. This whole time that I've been trying to cope with Breyson being taken from me, I never stopped to look around at the other people that were hurting from the same loss. It may be in a different way than me, but still hurting all the same. He had an affect on a lot of people and the hurt of his loss will linger for a long time to come. The only way to move on is to be thankful for the time God gave us with him instead of questioning why he was taken.

  "You want to get some food? I'm actually pretty hungry." She pulls away and stands, but reaches down for my hand to help me up and I take it freely.

  I brush the sand from the back of my dress and we walk in unison toward the car. "Sure. Pregnant girl's got to eat, right?" She smiles and I return the smile, genuinely, for the first time. Smiling feels kind of nice for a change. Today is a new day and I'm going to try with everything in me to view it in a different light for Breyson.

  Chapter 7

  Breyson

  I have been working for a solid month now. The money is good and they take care of me. I'm learning a lot from Antonio. He has shown me around the property and has been slowly teaching me the ways of breeding bullfighting cattle. He wants me to not only learn the aspects of breeding, but the culture behind it and the sport itself. It's a lot to learn and I still struggle with trying to remember everything, as I don't want to disappoint him. In this family honor and respect are everything and I don't want to fall short when they’ve been so good to me. This is how they make their livelihood and a big part of being successful in this business is having a reputation for breeding strong, aggressive bulls.

  Bullfighting season just started in March and will last until October. I have learned it is a very popular sport in this part of the world. Breeding the best fighting bulls is very important as a rancher, because if they don't pass the test to fight, males get slaughtered for meat and females are used for breeding until they are too old. Having to absorb loads of information about something you’re not familiar with can get overwhelming. I haven't actually been to a fight yet, but they are supposed to take me in the coming weeks to show me how the hard work around here pays off.

  The sun begins rising behind the clouds as I get out of bed to dress for a new day. The days are long, but I'm in a routine now, which makes it easier. I know what to expect and that is more than I can say about anything else in my life right now. I walk, in a sleep-induced state, to the dresser in the corner of the small bedroom and open the drawer. I pull out a pair of dark blue denim jeans and a white tee shirt, my wardrobe six days a week. I pu
ll the fitted tee on and it falls against my muscles.

  From my size it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that I must have been active in my former life. Given my approximate age, I would guess I could cross bodybuilder off the list of possibilities; therefore, I had to have been some kind of athlete, but what I have no idea. My adopted family says that I have to be fresh out of high school. We have conversations about it from time to time.

  Marcus keeps me busy in my time off doing American activities as he calls them. We have banned together and formed a brotherhood over the last month. He teaches me about the Spanish culture and I teach him the things I can remember, which are only the things that are engrained into the habitual section of your brain. There aren’t any memories attached to them. When shown an object I can remember what it is and its purpose, but nothing has sparked a personal memory to date. I asked him how he knew I was American and he said the accent gives me away whether I remember it or not.

  He seems to be doing his research, and each time he comes up with something new to try out on me. It started off small with only things he could get his hands on around here. I get one full day off a week on Sunday and I have time to myself at night after dinner. Marcus is usually waiting for me when I get off and we haven't gotten into anything big yet, but I am quickly earning trust with his family, so maybe this week we can get out and wander the streets of Spain. The boredom of being a recluse when I’m not working is starting to get to me. I can’t learn anything holed up in a room.

  The first thing he came up with was drawing and sketching on paper and it was also the first quickly marked off the list. I was never meant to be an artist in this lifetime or the last. I wouldn't qualify stick men and elementary school house drawings art of any kind. He wanted to try paint and I dismissed it as fast I could get no out of my mouth. If you can't draw, there is no way you can paint. I don't really envision my bulky and muscular frame as being the typical artist type. That may be stereotyping since clearly I don't know or remember knowing any personally, but I blame it on the amnesia. No pun intended, because I'm sure there are plenty of beefy artists out there, but that doesn't seem to be my area of expertise.