Twisting Fate Page 8

  "Thanks," I say as I take it from her. Looking in the mirror I brush it on my eyelashes until the color is a bold black. I put on Grams' earrings and smear my gloss over my lips. Picking up my book bag, I let out a deep breath and begin walking to the door.

  As we pull into the school parking lot my chest begins to feel heavy. It feels wrong to be here without him, like intruding on personal property. He was here before me. How am I supposed to just walk through those halls without him walking beside me? Maybe I came back too early. Who am I kidding; I can’t do this. I feel panicky and short of breath. As I place my hand over the door handle I begin to tremor, shaking uncontrollably. I have never been here without him.

  Since I moved here it’s been him and me against the world. We were in our little bubble before it got popped and I want it back. Adalynn grabs the opposite hand, calmly. "It's okay to be scared, Kinzleigh. Sometimes, you can use it and let the fear drive you. Instead of fearing that you can’t live without him, fear that you’ll forget him if you don’t retrace your footsteps together. There is no pressure to be in a hurry. We can sit here for a while if you want to."

  Adalynn is my best friend alongside Presley. She never puts herself first. She's one of the best people I know. I can't let her get a tardy, because of me. I'm also keeping her from Braxton. I still can't be around him much, because he is physically identical to Breyson. It's just too soon. It hurts too much to look at him. I may just have to hang around Londyn and Briar more, so she doesn't have to sacrifice her time with him. I can tell how much they love each other and it makes me happy that she finally found her happily ever after; her passionate lover that she's always wanted.

  Sometimes, I think we overlook what's right in front of us. I know I did until fate decided it wasn't having my stubborn attitude and moved me in the area, making me choose what I should have to begin with. As cruel as fate is, though, I can't say I would go back and change any of it.

  I was granted a taste of true love. That taste changed me forever. It's not okay to turn away love at the risk of being hurt; the risk is part of its beauty. Being hurt sucks, but everyone needs a Breyson in their lives. I was given the opportunity of being loved for the person I am and that love was unconditional. The love we shared was beautiful and rare. When I accepted that loving him was unavoidable and embraced it, the outcome was that I realized we had a love most people don’t experience in a lifetime. I should be grateful that I was able to experience it at all, even at the expense of losing it.

  I look down at her hand linked with mine and then up at her face. "I'm ready. I can't promise I'll be able to walk with you and Braxton, but I think I can manage a day."

  Just as I'm about to turn back for the door, I hear the one thing I’ll never forget the sound of: his voice. "I'll be with you baby. It's okay to be here. I'm with you always. I love you." My eyes go wide and chills run down my spine; I quiver as a result.

  "Why do you always do this to me? It's not fair, you know. You know how hard it is for me to be away from you. I love you more, so much more," I say, playing the little game we used to always play when we said I love you or I miss you. My heart starts to race at the sound of his voice. It feels like it's missing until I hear him, my sexy southern comfort in the accent that makes me weak in the knees. As soon as I feel or hear him my heartbeat revives itself, pounding, as if it was never missing at all.

  I open my eyes that I didn't realize were even closed and Adalynn looks like she just saw a ghost. Her mouth is gaping, her eyes are wide, and her smooth, bronzed skin has become pale. "Kinzleigh...talk to me. You're scaring me. Who are you talking to?"

  Crap. How am I supposed to explain this when I don't even understand it myself? My crazy. I feel like I need to be locked away in an asylum to be alone in my unstable head; the only thing is can be classified as when it is voicing people that are dead. Next Beau will be talking to me, or Grams and then I'll really be insane. "It's nothing, can we just go? I probably just didn't get enough sleep last night. I'm sure I'm just delusional right now."

  She narrows her eyes at me as if she knows I'm lying, but to my surprise she lets it go. We begin walking towards the entrance of the school, and as we pass, the kids outside stare. The expressions they wear clearly define that they feel sorry for me. I’m now the poor little rich girl with the dead boyfriend. Dread hits me like a freight train. I should just consider home school. I can only imagine what people are going to say when they find out I'm pregnant. I know what it will be: pity.

  We walk inside and I freeze. I can't pick up my feet, because I feel like they are weighted down with cinder blocks. I can see the exact spot I saw Breyson for the first time after I moved here, the first day of school. I feel like I'm being anchored at the bottom of the ocean with no oxygen, unable to breathe. How am I supposed to go through this day if I can't even get in the door?

  "You okay, Darlin’? Do you need to go back to the car?" I turn and Adalynn is staring at me as if I'm about to break. How did I become this little, lost girl? I was always so sure of myself, so strong and independent, yet here I am crying constantly and frail. I had finally found my true place in the world and it got stolen from me.

  I close my eyes and try to take deep breaths. The only way I’ll be able to reverse the direction that I’m heading in is to concentrate on letting the air into my lungs. When I open them I am now the center of attention in a hall filled with kids from school. My eyes fill with tears, but I cannot let them fall. My hormones are already out of whack without the added pain from the loss of my one true love. I just want to go see Breyson. I don't think I can do this. It's too soon to be here. The hair on my arms stands up and it feels like my blood drains from my limbs to my feet. In this moment I know one thing: I'm not alone.

  This is crazy that I'm letting my mind go to these types of extremes, controlling me. I've never been one of those people that believe in the more paranormal aspects of tragedies. I don’t believe in ghosts and goblins or witchcraft. I believe that once you die your soul moves on to another place and there are only two options: Heaven or Hell. I never stopped to consider, though, what if the other person isn't dead? Could he really still be alive and trying to connect with me somehow? My heartbeat picks up and a small burst of air tickles the back of my neck almost exactly the way it did when Breyson would stand behind me and whisper in my ear.

  The air surrounding me becomes thick as if someone is blocking it, I feel like someone is wrapped around me, holding me. As creepy as it is, it's also comforting. Why is this happening to me? How am I supposed to move on this way? I need a way to distance myself before my mind goes to a place that it can’t come back from.

  I should strongly consider persuading my parents to let me homeschool. With me being pregnant and depressed there is no reason for me to be here. At least once I graduate I'll be moving on to college and a change of scenery. It hurts too much to be here. "It's okay, baby. I need you to trust me," a voice whispers. A voice I would still know even if I hadn't heard it in years.

  My lips tremble and the tears fall. Teachers and students have stopped in the halls to stare at me as if I’m a nutcase, a character straight out of a psychiatrist’s worse nightmare. They are awaiting my next move. I just want to be left alone. High school is so full of drama. What the hell do they expect from me?

  Please stop talking to me, Breyson. You're making it harder on me. I feel crazy. Do you want me to be crazy? I shouldn't be hearing your voice. You're not here. You were taken from me. Please don't do this to me.

  "Babe, talk to me. Do you need to leave?" I can hear Adalynn talking, but I seem to be stuck where I stand, lost in the realm of my mind. That is, until the nausea returns reminding me I forgot my medicine this morning. I can taste the acid in the back of my throat, the saliva increasing in volume. I begin gagging and just like that my legs finally decide to work. I take off for the bathroom with my hand covering my mouth. I finally make it to the bathroom, but the vomit soaking a section of my hand tells me I�
��m almost a minute too late. I throw up until all that is left are dry heaves.

  I stand, cleaning my self up with a wad of toilet paper. I can’t leave the confinement of this stall just yet. Against my will I break down as I press the backside of my body against the door of the stall. I want it to end, all of it. I never asked for this. I would change places with anyone, including Breyson. No one will ever be able to convince me that being the lover left behind isn’t worse than all other parties effected by the death of another, but standing here wallowing isn’t going to change anything.

  The door opens as I command it to and the bathroom is clear. I wash my hands and begin splashing my cheeks with cold water. I need to get a juice from the drink machine. Maybe that will soothe my stomach. The holder dispenses a towel as I wave my hand in front of it. I dry my hands and I'm about to leave the girls’ restroom when Natalie walks in. "You're pregnant, aren't you?" This is not the person I want to see right now. Hasn't she tormented me enough? I begin to shake my head, but she interrupts by speaking some more. "You don't have to lie. It's obvious, plus secrets like that don't stay secrets around here for long."

  "What do you want Natalie? You continue to torment me and I don't understand why. I have never in any way done anything to hurt you. I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way you wanted, but it's not my fault. Did you ever stop to think that maybe it was because it wasn’t mean to be? My life is ruined in more ways than one. Does that make you happy? Does it make you feel like a better person to know that I'll be forever unhappy and strapped down with a child to raise by myself? I didn't plan this, in fact, I tried to stay far away from it, but sometimes things don't work out the way we want them too; that's life.” My voice is louder than it should be. “Now for the love of all things holy, will you grow up and get a life so you can stop adding misery to mine?"

  I’ve been holding this in for a while with her, letting it build, and now it’s time to let it all go. “I guess you got what you wanted in a sense, because now no one can have him. You should be able to live a marvelous life knowing that since you can't have him, no one can. Congratufuckinglations! You. Won." I don’t think I’ve ever said that word, but right now I think I have earned the right. As I stand here and talk about him the tears start up again. I don't even think waterproof mascara can stand up to this much moisture.

  She moves closer to me, cornering me in the bathroom. On instinct I step back and place my arms over my stomach, not knowing what she is going to do. She has done things to me that caused me harm before, so it's not absurd to think she may try again. She sees what I am doing and releases a huff. A scowl crosses her face and she stops. "I'm not going to hurt you, Kinzleigh. I just want to talk. Will you please just let me stay what I need to say? Then, if you want, I will leave you alone."

  She seems sincere, but I'm still cautious. "Fine. What do you want to talk to me about?" I'm not trying to be snippy, but the bell has already rung for first period and I'm late.

  "I guess I deserve the hostility given the series of events that have occurred since you've been here. Look, Kinzleigh, I know you don't like me very much and you have every right. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you and had no idea what happened was going to, but I can't take back what I've done. It was bad judgment on my part." She starts to cry, but continues. "You're not the only one that loved him, you know. Losing someone you love to someone else is not easy to handle. It makes you do things outside of your normal character when you get desperate. I panicked and thought maybe I could get him back, until I realized how much he loved you." Why is she telling me this? I don't really want to hear her say she was in love with my boyfriend.

  “I never meant to hurt you, but in a way I don't regret it, because it opened my eyes. I'm glad you're okay, but seeing how he reacted when he thought he might lose you answered any confusion I had. I will always love him, Kinzleigh, and that I can't change, but the difference is he loves you in return and not me. We can't control who we fall in love with. I'm not the only one that feels this way. Breyson is kind of hard not to love if you've spent any given amount of time with him. He's kind of like a fallen star. He's beautiful and rare, but only one person can catch him. That person is you. Everyone else can only admire him for the gem he is. I don't regret the time I had with him, Kinzleigh, because a little bit of time with him is better than none at all and I didn't get to experience the side of him you did. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for what I did to you and that you were special to him; everyone could see it. I can tell he really loved you. That baby in your womb proves it. He was never careless with anyone else. You were meant for him and I see that now. I'm not a bad person, Kinzleigh; I've just made some bad decisions. I hope that you can accept my apology and we can be friends, but if not I at least want to know that I have your forgiveness."

  She is crying as hard as I am. My back pressed against the wall, I slide down into a kneeling position. Even I know It takes a strong person to do what she has done. I place my hands over my face and let it out. God why was he taken from me? I don't understand. She's right, he was beautiful, inside ad out, so why isn't he here? He didn’t deserve to die.

  "You want to get out of here?" Do I want to leave with her? I might be crazy for this, but I don't think I'm ready to face everyone yet. When I took off to the bathroom Adalynn knew not to wait for me, because I don't want to make a big deal out of my nausea, hoping it would steer away rumors and assumptions. I guess I was wrong. I know I shouldn't want to go with her, but I have a gut feeling that she won't hurt me. I'm going to go with my gut and trust her, even though I shouldn't. I look up at her and nod my head, because I can't get out the words. She nods her head toward the door. "Come on, let's go."

  Four words never sounded so good. It didn't take me being told twice before I jolted out the door and headed back for the exit. As we walk through the parking lot she catches up to me and gets ahead to show me to her car. It doesn't take long before she comes to a stop at a small, silver, Nissan Altima. She unlocks the doors and sits in the driver's side, waiting for me to get in as well. It seems in our lives we make hasty decisions just looking for an easy out to something that is hard.

  I realize that now that I'm sitting beside a girl I never thought I'd be sitting beside; the girl that tried to embarrass me and take the only boy I have ever and will ever love. Can I really blame her, though? I don't even have to think of the answer. Would I do anything for that boy? The answer to that question is and will always be yes, even if it meant I had to give him up to someone else for him to live. I would bargain my happiness for his life any day and I would do it over and over again.

  I stare out the window at the passing blurs, in an array of colors, as the objects around us come and go. Will the pain ever subside? What happens to a person when their soul is mated to another and is ripped in half, because the other is no longer here connected to it? Does it slowly die until there is nothing left but the hollow shell of a person, or does it try to connect with another torn soul? Is there the possibility that it closes off the wounded side kind of like the sap of an injured tree? There are so many unanswered questions in this world that we can't answer on our own, so who holds the cheat sheet with all the answers?

  "Where do you want to go," she asks as she continues down the highway.

  I refuse to take her to our place. I may forgive her for what she did and sit next to a woman that's known the boy I love intimately, but I will not share our sacred place; our tree. Some things aren't meant to be shared with another; they are meant to be kept to one’s self, so you can forever treasure them in private. To me, our place is kind of like that movie, The Secret Garden, in comparison. I used to watch it at Grams' when I was a kid. They worked hard to keep it hidden from the outside world, scared it would no longer be just theirs; the place they went to escape. The only other place I can think of that reminds me of him is the beach. It may not be the beach we met at, but any beach will do. From the time I met him it’s become a place of s
ignificance, ours and ours alone.

  "Do you guys have a beach close by?" I turn to look at her and a void look crosses her face.

  "We do, but it's a bit of a drive. You up for it?" Anything is better than facing a school building full of kids staring and snickering as if I am some kind of alien from another planet. I nod and turn back to look out the window. There isn't much to say, so I don't. I've never been one of those fake people that pretend. If my face were a book it would be full of spoilers to the inside story. Right now I just want to enjoy the peace and quiet. I don't know if it's safe to be alone in my thoughts, but I've decided I'd rather hear him and know that I'm just crazy than to not hear him at all. Maybe I should learn to embrace the crazy and not avoid it.

  I place my hand over my belly and can feel the small hard bump. It's a constant reminder of the love I had and lost as well as what’s to come. What scares me is that I'll resent the baby, because I have to live without the other half that created it. I brush that thought aside, because I can't deal with the what-ifs right now. I can only hold on to the things I know, and I know I'll never get to experience that kind of love again. Even if I was given the option, I don't want it. To move on with someone else means Breyson gets left behind and forgotten, and to do that I couldn't live with myself.

  An hour and a half into the car ride, the strip of beach comes into view. Beautiful houses and condominiums line the left side of the highway. Natalie pulls off to the right side and kills the engine. Before I exit the car, I slip off my shoes. Luckily, it's one of those warm days. The weather here is constantly back and forth. One day it's warm and the next day it's freezing. Without a word, I begin walking along the gray sidewalk until I come to a short series of steps that lead to the sand. I descend, stepping down each one until I can feel the grainy sand between my toes.